Happy March!Greetings Radiant Beings, We have arrived at the last newsletter in this series. We have studied truthfulness, faithfulness, sincerity, tolerance, patience, and acceptance in ourselves and how these qualities impact our relationships; the last one in this series that we will study is self-sacrificing. If any of these topics felt heavy or were particularly challenging, you should revisit them and ask yourself, "why?". Remember, an unexamined life is not worth living, which means constant self-study is essential to our journey to becoming a finished human being. As H. H. Sri Swami Rama says, we are not good or bad; we are unfinished humans”. To know ourselves means to study ourselves, which should be made by impartial observation and evaluation. Your emotions govern how you see the world, which also means they dictate how you see yourself. If your feelings constantly run amuck, you will never look at yourself or the world objectively. If you are not objective, you are not self-studying; you are self-condemning or self-aggrandizing, which feeds the ego and strengthens the I-am-ness making you marvelous or sinful but not unfinished. As always, revisit the topics often and only take what is helpful to you for your next step in awareness, expansion, and transformation. Now we turn to self-sacrificing and what it means to you and your relationships. Let's start with a quote from Swamiji, "Learn to say no to yourself. Listen to that part of your mind that tells you "no." If you want to practice for some time, don't listen to that part of your mind that says "yes." If you understand "no" well, you will understand yes easily. When you want to steal something, your mind says, "Don't." Another part of the mind says, "Oh, yes. Come on, do it. You'll enjoy it. You'll like it. You should have it." Don't listen to the "yes." Listen to "no" first. Tell yourself you're not going to do that. You have to understand the impact of "no" and learn to use it with yourself and not with others. Never use the word no with others, with those with whom you live, or with those whom you love." This quote summarizes what it means to be self-sacrificing; by saying no to ourselves and yes to others, we begin to usurp power from the ego, making us more expansive and loving. We have all been in situations where we asked someone we live with or someone we love to do something, and they have said no, and we know what that feels like and what it feels like when someone says yes to us. The reverse is also true. We can perceive the constriction in our hearts when we say no and know we should have said yes or the opposite; we enjoy the expansion when we say yes. Remember, we live one of two ways, either contracting or expanding. The goal is to live a fully developed life, and when we live in expansion, we serve not only our near and dear but all beings. It does not happen overnight, but evolution will happen, remember, charity, kindness, and compassion start at home. If we aren't charitable, kind, and compassionate to ourselves and those we live with, we will never offer those attributes to the world. We would live a life elevated if we simply followed the "Golden Rule," the teaching of Jesus, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets" Matthew 7:12. If we simply did unto and for others what we would want to have done for or to us and gave up the desire to have anything for ourselves we would understand the law of self-sacrifice. The biggest thing to remember is to let go of our attachment to the fruits of our labor when practicing charity or self-sacrificing. Unfortunately, self-sacrificing in a committed relationship appears to have a bad rap because society is overly concerned with the I, me, and mine or simply soothing the ego. The ego likes to be stroked by having others say yes to it but not so much in feeling like it is losing its "hand" in a relationship by saying yes. Relationships are challenging; they are constant give and take and change daily, even hourly, depending on which partner may need more or less based on the flow of his-her life. Still, if each partner is committed to saying yes to the other partner, they become a flow that works mystically for both the relationship and the individuals. None of this is about staying in an unhealthy relationship because you must say yes; this is about building a healthy relationship with mutual respect and understanding, which means a beautiful outpouring of give and take. If we strive for an ideal relationship, self-sacrificing is paramount to its success; this means we understand that we are aware of the ego's tendency for selfishness. By forgoing our needs to serve others, we help ourselves by chipping away at our ego and its self-imposed importance. To be genuinely self-sacrificing, you must respect and be devoted to your partner. Respecting your partner means loving them with a non-judgemental mind; being committed to another person allows us to treat them with uninhibited love (no conditions) and conviction. We know we are ready to take the time and effort to make them happy. If we can start with the little things, it is easy when the big things come because we have laid a solid foundation. It is essential to remember that we are acting not in the hopes of getting something for ourselves later; there is no agenda! What you do, you do with the attitude of it being an honor to serve another being, not as gaining ground in the future. Questions for self-study Have you ever given something to someone completely selflessly? what was it? How did it feel? If it felt great, Why don't you do it more often? On a scale of 1-10, how self-sacrificing are you? One is the lowest, saying that you need to work on this aspect of your personality, and ten is that you are a saint and have mastered it. When you say yes to someone, do you usually have a motive behind the yes? for example, if I say I will go to the store today for my partner, I can barter to go out with my friends on Friday to the pub. When you say no to someone, is there a motive behind the no? for example, I wanted to have sex, and she said no, so now it is my turn to say no to something she wants. How often are the motives behind your yes and no answers? How often do you "self-sacrifice" in hopes of getting something in return? How often do you "self-sacrifice" to punish or get even with someone? Have you ever said yes to someone hoping to get "love" from them? How did it make you feel about selling yourself for attention?
I wish you success in all your relationships, especially with yourself, as it will lead you to your Self. Relationships are arduous, but during the Kali Yuga, they can be the most helpful in helping us realize where we are unfinished. If you walk into a house and the walls are bereft of paint, you don't hate the walls for not being painted; you paint the walls and finish the job, which is what you are doing now. You are finishing the job of becoming human to step into your divinity! The road to becoming fully human is challenging and full of snares (the ego is quite the trickster), but it is worth every step you take, and it does not matter how many walls you must sand and paint; it is worth it. Happy painting, and let's meet on the other side where we love all and exclude none! In-Service, Ranjani
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